I’m sorry. I can’t. Don’t hate me.

Hey Everybody,

So I’m sick “on paper” even though I feel (mostly) fine; the paper being the post-it that has my lab results on it. Here is a little primer in hematology and lab results: Platelets clot your blood and promote healing/homeostasis, white cells fight infection/foreign bodies, and red cells carry oxygen around the body and give you energy to function. Yesterday my platelets were at 30 (normal range is 150-400), white cells are at 2.8 (normal range is 4.4-9.0), and red cells at 3.8 (normal range is 4.63-6.08). Tomorrow morning when I get my next labs these numbers will likely all be lower. Chemotherapy is designed to strategically murder the cancerous blood cells in my body but it takes out many of the healthy ones at the same time, which is why my blood counts are low. I am in the period of time from the start of my last chemo treatment (day 7-14) when my blood counts are going to bottom out, so these numbers will continue to drop over the next several days and leave me open to hideous bruising, all kinds of nasty infection, and serious fatigue.

All of that blood talk to say, my immune system is low right now and still moving downward. It will likely stay there until I’m able to rebound late next week. The fact that I feel mostly fine right now (just a little bit tired due to my low red cell count… I got a little winded going to the mailbox earlier) makes this very annoying because I’m a pretty social guy and it means I have to say “no” a lot. I love my friends, everybody is so great and wonderful and supportive and whatever, but (even though some people may not believe me) I hate to say no all the time. It’s really hard for me to do since I’m still kindof in denial that I’m sick, but everytime someone says “I’d love to come visit. Can you come out and play? When can I see you?” it forces me to bargain with my health. “Well, I can do that, I can go there, I can see them if they aren’t sick, I’ll just wear a facemask and carry hand santizer” is how the conversation goes in my head and eventually this will become a very risky negotiation to have.

My family is really concerned that I’m going to take unnecessary risks with this denial driven line of thinking and are doing their best to sit on me so that I don’t. This is actually a hard job for them to have because it makes my inner Veruca Salt come out, and when I don’t get my way I can be pretty nasty. I would not want to be on the receiving end of my bitchy defiant attitude so I guess I’m lucky they haven’t wrapped my face and wrists with duct tape. Although, I suppose Lady Ativan is a chemical restraint that doesn’t sting as much as duct tape… she keeps Veruca quiet… usually… mostly…

I never realized how many people I saw normally when I was just going about my everyday life before getting sick. All of these requests for visits seem almost forced because I never had people asking to visit me before, but it’s probably because I would just see you out normally at work or the gym or the store or the bar or at Glee or whatever, so a special visit wasn’t ever necessary. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to stop seeing people or stop getting asked out, but if folks could keep it between day 14-21 it would make it a lot easier for me to protect myself. I still may have to say no and maybe this will actually motivate me to put together that care calendar thing that I’ve clearly been putting off. Meh.

Speaking of putting things off, I will have my first platelet transfusion either tomorrow or Monday depending on my lab results. Transfusions occur when your platelets are less than 20. Vomit. I’d love to put that off. What exactly is the profile of a platelet donor anyway? I mean, you can go to the Red Cross and see the requirements for it, but what is the psychological profile of a person that want to donate part of their whole blood every 7 days for $20? I picture freegans and homeless people and heroin addicts… but maybe it’s just poor preppy college students and bored pretty housewives with sensible shoes and “say-something” hats doing community service. Anyway, I wonder if I will develop any vampiric traits after this happens… and which vampire mythology those traits will come from. My choice would be True Blood or Buffy the Vampire Slayer since they have super-strength and are all broody and dark and sexy. I think I’d rather be staked in the heart than be one of those glittering Degrassi High after-school special Twilight vampires but I guess I’ll find out soon enough though.

Ugh. Bummer of a post. Sorry guys, I’ll do better next time.