4 days into treatment and I’m starting to feel some of the effects of the chemo. The metallic taste was first but seems to have gone, then there was a bit of fatigue which comes and goes, I’m peeing every 20 minutes because of the massive amount of fluids I’m receiving, I’ve got edema in my right leg where I’m unable to completely filter fluids through the blockage that the tumor in my groin is causing, I’ve been more irritable and agitated the past 24 hours for a variety of reasons (it’s a common side effect of the steroid but there is another “elimination” issue that is just now starting to resolve itself and causing irritability.) Luckily I’ve got a great nursing staff that is johnny-on-the-spot with medications and treatments that help each symptom, encouraging me to get over any shyness I have about asking for pain or anxiety medication. I spoke with the doctor on rounds this morning who normalized each symptom and said that I was doing better than 90% of most patients at tolerating this regimen of chemotherapy and he is not worried about me at all. I’m afraid I’m going to have to start limiting some of my visitation to a smaller group though. As much as I love the love, retelling the story of how I’m doing is getting exhausting and as my immune system is declining my herd is going to have to shrink. I’m used to spending time by myself so the masses of people wanting to talk is somewhat unfamiliar, but since people are interested in sharing their love this will be tricky, so I need to hurry up and blog on to the present.
So the plan is set and the calendar is marked, treatment starts on Wednesday February 16, 2010 with my 3rd surgical procedure in 17 days when I receive a portacatheter in my chest (a permanent central line to my superior vena cava that will be easier to access than a regular IV or a PIC line) where they will insert my chemotherapy and other fluids starting Thursday February 17, 2010. The trip to Houston has been canceled and the conversation with my brother has been delivered that I will not be taking the referral he arranged for me. He graciously receives this news. Parents and sister are both on board with this choice to begin here and are anxious to begin and also to receive all results that had not yet been delivered from those initial diagnostics on Tuesday. Mom and dad decide to head back to Charleston this afternoon to recuperate from these past 6 days of anxiety and also to prepare for what we are told will be 6 months of treatment.
I for one am ready to get back to life outside of cancer for a moment. I want to go back to my job and do my regular routine. I want to clean my condo. I want to go out to dinner with friends and listen to what they have going on. I want to go to community events. Oh, and I’m looking forward to a weekend spent with my former partner of 5.5 years whom I had not seen in nearly a year since we broke up last spring. Normal non-cancer drama please! Stat!
So immediately after my parents go home from lunch and I return to work. It’s great to answer intern questions, call in prescriptions for crisis patients who ran out of their antidepressants, review and correct intake reports, assign therapists to new clients, return phone calls, and participate in office buzz. It’s a little bit difficult to get to all of this delicious work with every person walking by with their head cocked to the side asking how I’m doing, so I try to disseminate a cohesive story in front of a group and suggest that people pass it on because I have shit to do.
It is also time to start planning termination sessions with my clients since according to Dr. Langston it will be impossible to come into a work environment such as mine where there are sick people everywhere and risk exposing myself to illness for the next 6 months. My first appointment is at 5:00pm and it is a little strange. This is a client I’ve only been seeing a few months but he immediately responds with a memory of a friend of his who died from breast cancer a few years ago. Great. I have cancer so people immediately think about death and dying, the very thought I’ve been avoiding. Clients tend to think of me as inhuman at times anyway so they can say just about anything they want to me, even if it is about me, so I just put on my counselor face and reflect what is going on for the client, “so I see this is bringing up some unresolved grief for you, tell me more about that.” and make it nothing about me.
One by one over the next week I will have about 12 of these sessions, each one expressing sadness, shock, disbelief, and fear. Each one of my boys (yes, all of my clients are men) was able to get to a place where it was about their own loss and what were they going to do without their therapist for 6 months, which pleased me since I didn’t want to be too distracting to their work, and most of them will be able to continue with interim therapists while I’m away. I will of course be available to supervise by email or phone as necessary… what in the world would they ever do without me!? Ha!
It is also high grant-writing season at work, so there is a lot of stress at the office around sustainability and program preservation. A large part of my work has been building quality management controls and processes so I am worried about protecting my investment. This is why maintaining internal spies and using what has got to be karmically toxic manipulation “if you want me to get better from cancer, you will do your notes/treatment plans/chores while I’m away” to be sure people maintain their responsibilities. Also, I will be logging in remotely to keep tabs on my work.
Oh did I mention that my ex was coming into town? Thought I might just gloss over that did ya? Yes I know I’m a workaholic, but I do have a little gristle of heart left beating in my chest. So Rob has been the love of my life. We were together for 5.5 years, 3 of which were spent commuting between Atlanta and Chicago trying to figure out who was gonna give and move to the others’ city. After all that time we amicably decided to give it a rest for a moment and just commit to the lives we were clearly building in our respective cities. Painful as it was to go through, I am kinda glad I stayed. Who knows what would have happened if I had decided to move away and then have all of this happen.
So I picked him up from the airport on Friday and we had a little awkward exchange “hi”, “hi”, giggle…”so”, “so”… giggle… then we head to the Porter and have some beers which significantly relaxes us as we have food and beverage to discuss and also a crowd to pick apart.
That evening we make it clear that he is here to be supportive and care for me as an important person in my life. We are not getting back together. He is moving to Shanghai for 4 months on the day that I am starting chemotherapy, so while our relationship may resume a more supportive and active role we are not partners. This is kindof a relief for me because really all I want to do this weekend is have a good time. When we were together all we did was have a good time: cook, eat, drink, go out, shop, make silly jokes, talk about people…. ‘n stuff… This is exactly the medicine I need and want and I got it good all weekend long, culminating in a lovely brunch with Brian and Nicole. The topic of cancer did come up of course, but we got to talk about it in concrete terms that made me feel hopeful that this stupid blip in my life will just be that and we can return to living normal life as soon as it’s over and done with. So he gets on a plane back to Chicago and I’m content. It was a good weekend.
After that I head off to my friend Michael McAllister’s house to do a photo shoot of me looking pensive and pre-chemotherapized. I love my hair so much. I know it’s vain, but I love it. I spend time with it. I look at it in the mirror. I treat it to lots of loving products and expert professionals. Sometimes I treat it to a 5 course meal at the restaurant of its choice. I spend way too much time and money on it and I’m really going to miss it. Michael was great and shot me and my hair for an hour and a half in a variety of outfits in a variety of light. I can’t wait to see how the photos come out. I guess you can see sample #1 at the top of this blog. Not bad eh?
Two more days of calm work before I begin on Wednesday resume. I complete my termination sessions with clients, some of which are harder than others because of the length of time and depth of work we have done together but am glad to have finished with that piece. I spend a lot of time dining and laughing with my friends. On Monday night (Valentine’s Day) my Rabbi/Trainer/Friend prepared a beautiful mediterranean feast at his home complete with VD decoration. It was a beautiful celebration of love. 
On Tuesday I received a warm welcome, lunch, and care package from my colleagues at AID Gwinnett. They are so kind to me and make me feel so loved. Tuesday night I had another dinner at one of my favorite places Two Urban Licks with another pack of friends. God I’m gonna miss good food! 
Ok, I think I’m caught up with the whole Initial Diagnosis piece of this story. The next volume will begin with my first real surgery at Emory that begins treatment along with my first round of chemo. At this point I’m nearing the end of it so I will try to get more efficient about posting so I can keep it fresh and real. It’s not been so bad, but it’s definitely not been a walk in the park either. Thanks for keeping up with me and walking with me during this journey. Even when I’m irritable and annoyed, I definitely need my family of friends around me to keep me going. So thank you.
Bye y’all!
Breaking Ned 